“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.”
~ Jim Morrison
- ClutterFreedom™ #7: People Freedom is a joyful well being and is the seventh freedom to reclaim power back into our lives.
- People freedom is the ability to cultivate healthy, authentic and joyful relationships with the people who matter most in our lives.
WHAT IS PEOPLE CLUTTER
- People clutter is the disconnection, dissatisfaction, and despair we feel when we are not in a healthy relationship.
- These toxic relationships cost us time, energy, are a distraction to experiencing connection and healthy relationships.
- These are tempestuous relationships, that include fantasizing about endless wants that never satisfy our needs.
- It happens when we surround ourselves with (inauthentic) people who do not reflect the truth of who we are being.
WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?
To better understand people clutter, let's look at what a relationship is, the very nature of how we are relating to the people in our lives.
A relationship is (as defined by Dictionary.com) is:
The state of being connected
THERE ARE 4 BASIC TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. Romantic 2. Family 3. Friendship 4. Professional
It’s up to us, who we choose to engage into relationship with. Remembering the people you spend the most time and surround yourself with are going to significantly shape who you believe you are, and will significantly influence your values and beliefs on home, family, career, relationships, and life.
"Choose to focus your time, energy and conversation around people who inspire you, support you and help you to grow you into your happiest, strongest, wisest self."
~ Karen Salmansohn
HOW DOES PEOPLE CLUTTER MANIFEST
- Abusive, toxic relationships
- Depression, love sickness, isolation, disconnection, suppressed emotions such as : grief, sorrow, anger
- Attracting people into our lives when we are in lower vibrational frequencies, like attracts like
- Attracting people who mirror aspects of our shadow, eventually trigger the need for self love and healing
- Taking on other people's negative energy (thoughts, moods and emotions)
WHO EXPERIENCES PEOPLE CLUTTER
- People seeking validation outwardly
- Unable to set boundaries
- Low self esteem and worthiness
- Lacking self awareness
- People who are unable to manage their energy
- People who give their power away to others
- Co-dependents, anxious avoidant attachments and addicts
- People suffering from victim mentality and unworthiness
HOW DO YOU SHOW UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU?
Anxious Attachment Style
Co-dependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.
When two people with dysfunctional personality traits become worse together. Enmeshment happens when clear boundaries about where you start and where your partner ends are not clearly defined. (Psychology Today)
People in co-dependent relationships spend much of their time
fighting about who has to take care of whom. (Help Yourself Therapy)
Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. (Psychology Today)
Secure Attachment Style
People in interdependent relationships do whatever is best for both partners.
They make sincere, reliable agreements with each other, based on their separate wants and needs. (Help Yourself Therapy)
Without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values. (Psychology Today)
Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. (Psychology Today)
You can challenge your defenses by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can challenge the insecurities and fears supported by your age-old working models and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship. (Psychology Today)
Avoidant Attachment Style
People in independent relationships are often lonely.
They spend much of their time out of each other's sight. (Help Yourself Therapy)
They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.
Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection.
To have a shield with which their heart remains impenetrable– but as always there is a flipside. These individuals tend to repress rather than express their emotions, and are quick to think negatively about their partner’s needs in the relationship. There is a desire to be close and have a relationship, but yet there is always a mental distance and an escape route. This can have a negative impact on intimacy and the over all relationship if the person is not aware of their need for independence. When this style feels that their independence is in jeopardy or their relationship is becoming inter-reliant, they resort to deactivating strategies. (The Love Compass)
ATTRACTING AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS THAT BRING YOU JOY
"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."
~ Jim Morrison
Where your focus goes, energy flows. Which type of relationships are you nurturing and focusing on in your life?
An inspiring friend of mine, Yasmin Nguyen Founder of Vibrance Global, shared with me this people freedom wisdom years ago and It stuck with me every since I first learned it. This has been invaluable in helping me better understand the people who are brought into my life and my purpose in relationships.
Understand, there are 2 types of people that come into our lives, the one's we embrace dearly in our left hand and the one's we hold compassion and love for in our right hand.
LEFT HAND PEOPLE
Receiving Joy By Giving Love & Attention
Relationships we embrace in our left hand
- Authentic relationships
- The teach us how to receive love unconditionally
- We embrace their love
- Naturally inspire you to rise higher, they help lift you up
- Wise with higher perspective wisdom
- They align us with truth
- They help you elevate your life to new levels
- You feel inspired and empowered being around them
- Are able to hold space to allow us to process life and identify our needs
- They are caring, encouraging and believe In you
- See's the truth of who you are
- Guides you in living to your highest potentials
RIGHT HAND PEOPLE
Needing (crying out for) Love & Attention
Relationships we hold compassion in our right hand
- Inauthentic Relationships
- They teach us how to love unconditionally
- We hold compassion space of acceptance
- They mirror our pains and aspects of our shadow selves
- Anxious and Avoidant attachment style relationships
- Ignorant, stubborn
- They teach us how to listen better
- They show you how for you've come in your life
- They can suck the energy out of you
- Unable to get their needs met and will find conscious and subconscious ways to manipulate people, places and circumstances to get their needs met
- They project blame, belittling, bullying and tactics to make you feel shame, dim, small and not enough.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES: Learning How To Love And Be Loved
"Loving and accepting people as they are is the greatest freedom
we can experience in relationships."
~ Suzie Sandoval
Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. (The 5 Love Languages)
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch. When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. (The 5 Love Languages)
ACTS OF SERVICE
"Acts of service” are probably the most time-intensive of the five love languages. You can’t just say a kind word or give a quick kiss. Showing love through acts of service takes effort, and most of all vigilance. (Verily Mag)
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving. (The 5 Love Languages)
The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly. (The 5 Love Languages)
HONORING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries, even when you don't want to hurt the one's you love.
Learn How To Communicate Compasionnately
(also referred to as non-violent communication)
Our greatest power exists when we are aware we are being triggered in relationship. Triggers highlight unmet needs from past relationships and invites us to create a new experience to express our thoughts and emotions, while identifying our core needs. By observing our thoughts and our emotions we can identify our core needs quickly. Remembering this truth mantra, "MY NEEDS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE". It is essential we are honor our needs, this is an ultimate act of self love.
Practice becoming aware of your triggers and identifying your core needs while learning how to communicate and make requests to get your needs met. Some people will have the capability and ability to help you get your needs met, others will not. If someone is unable to help you get your needs met, it is important you keep moving forward and let go, stay focused on owning your power in getting your needs met.
Here is a compassionate communication script, created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. for identifying you needs and then communicating your requests. You can utilize this script in all of your relationships.
STEP 1: OBSERVATION
Script: When I see/hear...
(objective, idea, behavior, trigger without judgement language)
Example: I feel triggered when I see you keeping busy with other things and people.
STEP 2: FEELINGS
Script: I feel...
Example: It makes me think that you don't value spending quality time with me and that makes me feel sad, angry, lonely and confused, like I don't matter to you.
STEP 3: NEEDS
Script: Because I need...
Example: I NEED to experience one on one quality time with you to feel special, connected and loved.
STEP 4: REQUEST
Script: How can I meet this need?
Example: Are you willing to carve out time each day or week to be present and spend quality time together?
To help you decide if a relationship is clutter or freedom in your life, begin honoring your needs and practicing how to communicate your triggers, needs and requests with the people who matter most to you. You will learn in time whether a relationship is short term, intermittent or long lasting.
HOW TO FEEL UNDERSTOOD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
“Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.”
~ Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
If you are experiencing the feeling of not being heard in your relationship, this is your indicator to stop trying to convince someone of understanding you and instead lean in, be quiet and listen by seeking to understand this person on deeper levels. This is where authentic connection and intimacy will begin to form. You will be modeling healthy relationship habits and will then be able to identify (in your own time) if you are able to experience the connection you are seeking.
We must stop blaming others for not being able to meet our needs, especially if we are unable to give to others that which what we need most.
How would you rate your listening abilities?
- Do you ask open ended questions which allows people to talk?
- Do you reflect the other person's response to get clarification on what you are hearing and what they are saying? (When reflecting it's important to not add your thoughts, feelings or advice but to paraphrase what the other person has said and stick with the direction they need or want to go.)
- Do you allow the people you are communicating with to share their feelings and thoughts uninterrupted?
- Do you empathize with them; put yourself in their shoes? (Again, if you first seek to understand, you will find yourself being better understood.)
- Do you listen to what they are saying instead of thinking about your response?
WHO DO YOU CHOOSE TO SPEND YOUR TIME WITH?
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."
The simplest question to empower people freedom relationships with is to ask yourself,
"How do I feel after spending time with this person?"
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy,
they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
~ Marcel Proust