#7 PEOPLE FREEDOM: Cultivating honest, joyful, healing relationships
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“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first.”
~ Jim Morrison
PEOPLE FREEDOM
Can you fully express yourself with your loved ones?
Can you hold unconditionally loving space for your loved ones?
Do you have loved ones in your life who can hold unconditionally loving space for you?
WHAT IS PEOPLE CLUTTER
People clutter is the disconnection, dissatisfaction, and despair we feel when we are not in an honest relationship of trustworthiness.
These toxic relationships cost us time, energy, are a distraction to experiencing genuine connection, healing, mental, emotional, spiritual intimacy and sexual freedom.
These are passive aggressive, tempestuous relationships, that include fantasizing about endless egoic wants that never satisfy our needs.
It happens when we surround ourselves with (inauthentic) people who are in their journeys reflecting illusions of truth and mirroring the shadow aspects of our unconscious self and who we are being.
WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?
To better understand people clutter, let's look at what a relationship is, the very nature of how we are relating to the people in our lives.
A relationship is: The state of being connected. (dictionary.com)
THERE ARE 4 BASIC TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. Romantic 2 Family 3. Friendship 4. Professional
It’s up to us, who we choose to engage into relationship with. Remembering the people you spend the most time and surround yourself with are going to significantly shape who you believe you are, and will significantly influence your values and beliefs on home, family, career, money, relationships, and life.
The foundation of a relationship is trust and safety. This foundation is established and maintained when both parties demonstrate kindness, compassion, and respect, along with a healthy dose of grace and forgiveness.
We repeat what we don’t repair. Sometimes you need to stop seeing the good in people and start seeing what they show you. Whoever loves you will not make you feel unlovable.
HOW DOES PEOPLE CLUTTER MANIFEST
Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually dysfunctional, abusive, toxic relationships
Depression, love sickness, isolation, disconnection, entanglements, triangulations, suppressed emotions, such as: grief, sorrow, anger, rage (Chakra Wounds)
Attracting people into our lives when we are in lower vibrational frequencies, unhealed trauma bonds.
Attracting people who mirror aspects of our shadow, eventually trigger the need for self love, authenticity, and healing.
Taking on other people's negative energy (thoughts, moods, and emotions).
PEOPLE CLUTTER PERSONALITIES
Lacking Moral Integrity
Seeking validation outwardly, people
pleasers
Unable to set healthy boundaries
Low self esteem and unworthiness
Lacking (self) awareness
People who are unable to manage their emotions and energy
People who give their power away to others
People who are controlling, seductive, and dominating.
Co-dependents, anxious avoidant attachments, and addictions
People suffering from victim mentality
HOW DO YOU SHOW UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU?
CO-DEPENDENT
Anxious Attachment Style
Co-dependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional, self-esteem, and survival needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.
Two people with dysfunctional personality traits become worse together. Enmeshment happens when clear boundaries about where you start and where your partner ends are not clearly defined. (Psychology Today)
People in co-dependent relationships spend much of their time
fighting about who has to take care of whom. (Help Yourself Therapy)
Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. (Psychology Today)
INTERDEPENDENT
Secure Attachment Style
People in interdependent relationships do whatever is best for both partners.
They make sincere, reliable agreements with each other, based on their separate wants and needs. (Help Yourself Therapy)
Without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values. (Psychology Today)
Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. (Psychology Today)
You can challenge your defenses by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can challenge the insecurities and fears supported by your age-old working models and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship. (Psychology Today)
INDEPENDENT
Avoidant Attachment Style
People in independent relationships are often lonely. They spend much of their time out of each other's sight. (Help Yourself Therapy)
They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.
Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection.
To have a shield with which their heart remains impenetrable– but as always there is a flipside.
These individuals tend to repress rather than express their emotions, and are quick to think negatively about their partner’s needs in the relationship.
There is a desire to be close and have a relationship, but yet there is always a mental distance and an escape route.
This can have a negative impact on intimacy and the over all relationship if the person is not aware of their need for independence.
When this style feels that their independence is in jeopardy or their relationship is becoming inter-reliant, they resort to deactivating strategies. (The Love Compass)
ATTRACTING AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS THAT BRING YOU JOY
"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."
~ Jim Morrison
Where your focus goes, energy flows. Which type of relationships are you nurturing and focusing on in your life?
INTERVIEWING MAKE A WISH MIRACLE STORIES THANKS TO VIBRANCE GLOBAL
An inspiring friend of mine, Yasmin Nguyen Founder of Vibrance Global, and Joyful Living Project, shared with me this left hand, right hand concept that has inspired People Freedom. This profound concept has been invaluable in helping me better understand the people who are brought into my life, my purpose in relationships, and the partnerships I’m co-creating with.
His wisdom is to understand there are 2 types of people that come into our lives, the one's we embrace dearly in our left hand and the one's we hold compassion and love for in our right hand.
Let’s explore this concept deeper.
LEFT HAND PEOPLE
PEOPLE FREEDOM
People Who Receive Joy By Sharing Love, Focused Presence & Reassuring Affection
(Givers without conscious or subconscious attachments)
Relationships we embrace in our left hand
Feel Safe To Be Vulnerable With
Honest and Trustworthy thoughts, words, actions
They practice and embody what they teach; Provides us with higher conscious wisdom
They know the light within themselves and allow us to witness our light through them
Allow us to practice giving and receiving love freely and unconditionally
We embrace their love because there are no attachments or hidden agendas
They naturally inspire us to rise higher, become our natural selves, we feel uplifted
Kindhearted, heart conscious, gentle, and reassuring
We feel empowered being around them to take inspiring courageous actions in our lives
They are able to hold space to allow us to process life and identify our needs
They are caring, supportive, and their actions reveal a belief in us we may not have even had in ourselves
They align with us in living our highest potential being in service to humanity
They lead us to God’s Unconditional Love
RIGHT HAND PEOPLE
PEOPLE CLUTTER
Needing (crying out for) Love, Attention, & Affection
Relationships we hold compassion for in our right hand
They teach us how to love them unconditionally
They show us how far we’ve come in our healing journey
They show us contrast, duality, polarities that reveal our shadow self
They reflect who we are being that may be self-sabotaging
They may have difficulty identifying their unmet needs. Trauma patterns can result in lacking the learned skills and ability to directly communicate unmet core needs. (Throat Chakra Imbalances)
Passive aggressive communications
We hold compassionate space of acceptance not trying to change or fix them. Instead rather observe, set healthy boundaries, relate, and self reflect on what this relationship is revealing
They mirror our pains and aspects of our shadow selves
Unconscious, defiant, defensive, and act out from the inner child wounded self
Emotionally Immature, unhealed trauma wounds, sexual trauma bonds, and karmic attachments
They teach us how to listen to our soul and connect with benevolent source spirit
They unconsciously and consciously try to feed off of our energy (power control) which can leave us feeling drained and exhausted.
They are unable to get their needs met and will find conscious and subconscious ways to manipulate people, places, and circumstances to get their needs met
They project blame, belittling, bullying and tactics to make you feel shame, worthless, and not enough no matter what you do. lose lose circumstances
Lack self awareness or personal accountability
May exude narcissistic traits, addictive behaviors, and personality disorders
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES:
How To Be Love And Be Loved
"Loving and accepting people as they are is the greatest freedom we can experience in relationships.
How I show up is my responsibility, how others show up is their responsibility.”
~ Suzie Sandoval, Sacred Intimacy Practitioner & Relationship Coach
QUALITY TIME
Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. (The 5 Love Languages)
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch. When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. (The 5 Love Languages)
ACTS OF SERVICE
"Acts of service” are probably the most time-intensive of the five love languages. You can’t just say a kind word or give a quick kiss. Showing love through acts of service takes effort, and most of all vigilance. (Verily Mag)
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving. (The 5 Love Languages)
RECEIVING GIFTS
The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly. (The 5 Love Languages)
HONORING YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries, even when you don't want to hurt the one's you love.
Learn How To Communicate Compasionnately
(also referred to as non-violent communication)
Our greatest power exists when we are aware we are being triggered in our relationship. Triggers highlight unmet needs from past relationships and invites us to create a new experience to express our thoughts and emotions, while identifying our core needs. By observing our thoughts and our emotions we can identify our core needs quickly. Remembering this truth mantra, "MY NEEDS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE". It is essential we honor our needs, this is an ultimate act of self love. The better we love ourselves the better we love our loved ones and others.
Practice becoming aware of your triggers and identifying your core needs while learning how to communicate and make requests to get your needs met. Some people will have the ability to help you get your needs met, others will not. If someone is unable to help you get your needs met, it is important you keep moving forward and let go, stay focused on owning your power in getting your needs met.
Here is a compassionate communication script, created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. for identifying your needs and then communicating your requests with the people who matter in your life. You can utilize this script in all of your relationships.
STEP 1: OBSERVATION
Script: When I see/hear...
(objective, idea, behavior, trigger without judgement language)
Romantic Relationship Example 1. When you are away from me physically it can trigger abandonment and separation anxiety.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 2. When I hear you give me advice or try to tell me how to live, it triggers me that I’m not being heard and I’m wrong for how I am living my life.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 3. When your words and actions don’t align it triggers distrust.
STEP 2: FEELINGS
Script: I feel...
Romantic Relationship Example 1: I feel anxious, scared, and sad.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 2. I feel discouraged, distant, criticized, and irritated.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 3. I feel angry and frustrated in which I become skeptical.
STEP 3: NEEDS
Script: Because I need...
Romantic Relationship Example: I NEED to experience one on one quality time with you to feel special, connected, loved, and be in your presence.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 2. I NEED to feel empowered and have the experience of trusting myself in my decision making abilities.
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 3. I NEED to know I can trust you.
STEP 4: REQUEST
Script: How can I meet this need?
Romantic Relationship Example 1: Are you willing to carve out time each day or week to be present and spend quality time together?
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 2. Are you willing to ask me questions rather than make assumptions? Are you able to listen to me and reflect back what you heard? Can you hold compassion as I learn from life challenges and adversity?
Personal or Professional Relationship Example 3. Are you willing to communicate with me if you are unable to honor your word when you are unable to follow through? Are you willing to take accountability for not following through on your word?
To help you decide if a relationship is clutter or freedom in your life, begin honoring your needs and practicing how to communicate your triggers, needs and requests with the people who matter most to you. You will learn in time whether a relationship is short term, intermittent, or long lasting.
HOW TO FEEL UNDERSTOOD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
“Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his own ideas.”
~ Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
If you are experiencing the feeling of not being heard in your relationship, this is your indicator to stop trying to convince someone of understanding you and instead lean in, be quiet and listen by seeking to understand yourself. Once you acknowledge your inner voice you can listen to on deeper levels the inner child of your loved ones. This is where authentic connection and intimacy will begin to form. You will be modeling healthy relationship practices and will then be able to identify (in your own time) if you are able to experience the connection you are seeking.
We must stop blaming others for not being able to meet our needs, especially if we are unable to give to others that which what we need most.
How would you rate your listening abilities?
Do you ask open ended questions which allows people to talk?
Do you reflect the other person's response to get clarification on what you are hearing and what they are saying? (When reflecting it's important to not add your thoughts, feelings or advice but to paraphrase what the other person has said and stick with the direction they need or want to go.)
Do you allow the people you are communicating with to share their feelings and thoughts uninterrupted?
Do you empathize with them; put yourself in their shoes? (Again, if you first seek to understand, you will find yourself being better understood.)
Do you listen to what they are saying instead of thinking about your response?
WHO DO YOU CHOOSE TO SPEND YOUR TIME WITH?
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."
~Steve Jobs
THE SIMPLEST QUESTION to empower people freedom relationships with is to ask yourself,
