SALVATION FROM SEXUAL SHAME
Expressing our sexuality and sensuality is a divine power I don’t take lightly. Sexual energy is the most creative force on earth. I’m empowered by Men and Women who express healthy sexuality and aspire to be part of this movement to inspire other beautiful souls to share their vulnerable stories to receive salvation from shame.
Secrets caused me insane pain in my life which is why I am so open about having deep conversations that matter, such as these topics of sexual abuse, trauma, transmutation and healing.
My story begins at 5 years old when I experienced my first pleasurable orgasm. I was sexually abused by two men. One man threatened to kill me if I didn’t perform sexual favors and the other man was married and we had extremely intimate slow sex. He video taped us, I was highly aroused and I liked it a lot.
This was beyond confusing to understand as a 5 year old but what I can admit to is that even at 5 years old I knew it was wrong what we were doing but liked it so much continued to do so anyways.
This man was in the entertainment and porn industry and he made videos of us having sex. He would play the videos live while we were having sex as well. My sexual desires and curiosity became more intense with him as these sexual experiences lasted. When I was approximately 7 years old I felt so much guilt because I was friends with his wife and knew what we were doing was wrong so I told him we couldn’t continue. He continued to flirt and attempt to seduce me for several years thereafter but never forced himself on me as he accepted my boundaries.
Because of my exposure to highly intense, intimate sexual experiences at such a young age it caused me so much conflict in my romantic relationships and the men who I was attracted to because my body craved this intensity of pleasure but I was so young. I would often find myself trying to flirt and seduce boys who were completely inexperienced.
By my teenage years I used my provocative flirting to attract guys but sex was unenjoyable because it could never satisfy the deep physical satisfaction I had once experienced.
Because I was objectified at such a young age by unavailable man, flaunting my sexuality was never a safe thing for me to do as I got older. I attracted married men, men who were in committed relationships, emotionally unavailable men and men with highly intense sexual chemistry, so it was a constant experience over the course of my life that caused me great despair.
I would fantasize about having sex with men for the years to come who I was attracted to while pleasuring myself to address the pain and cravings my body was having. It only caused me more conflict and distancing from experiencing something real with someone special because I was tormented and addicted to the fantasy. Nothing would ever come to fruition and I realized I was chasing men because my need for sex and love was so intense.
By my mid 30’s my sexual desires and cravings were unbearable and contributed to unfulfilling one night stands and relationships filled with heartbreak and pain. It was at this point in my life I vowed to myself and made a promise to God that the next time I had sex with someone it would be making love with my divine life partner and it would be true love. I felt like I was cursed because so many years have gone by and I’ve had to endure the physical cravings of sex while learning the lessons God was teaching me.
One of the biggest lessons I learned from years of being unhappily celibate was I was developing a divine gift to be a model of true friendship and beauty for men, and allowing this to be the foundation for cultivating lasting healthy relationships. I became the Goddess of Self Love because I had to learn how to love myself from the inside first and let go of all outside validation. I had to let go of comparison of other women, seduction and manipulation to control men, and learn how to be with the intense sexual cravings from my body.
This is where grace began to teach me true love lessons over the years as I watched men that I began to develop an interest in choosing sexy and seductive women rather than be pursue a deeply meaningful friendship of intimacy and getting to know me for my true beauty.
From a distance I’d witness the objects of my affection choose to indulge with other women and then in time become angry, resentful, unhappy towards those women. I’d witness the toxicity the unhealthy relationships would have on these men and women’s lives, hearts, and spirits. Their physical appearances made it apparent how stressed, depressed and exhausted they had become giving their all to these women and it never being enough. It was painful to witness and for years I was codependently loving them with heart break and compassion.
It became apparent to me how easy it is to seduce men, it a power that comes with divine responsibility. The negative consequences are devastating because they can last for years and the karma can last for lifetimes.
What was most hurtful and difficult to witness was when these guys would try to “get me back” by seducing me or showing me interest to win me back after their relationships fell apart. I was a secret fantasy to them and I felt like I was the other woman often. It was predictable behavior that felt toxic so I would shut down and walk away not wanting to be identified in this way. It felt like I was cursed and I didn’t know how to break the pattern.
I continue to forgive myself for judging these men who were suffering as was I but didn’t have a resolution to end the pain. My lessons have been to continue to forgive with deep sorrow and compassion and to learn as much as I can about inspiring healthy sexual relationships.
I stopped giving a fuck about my body and the weight was a subconscious way to attract friendships first to weed out the men who couldn’t see the true beauty in me. It’s common for people who have been sexually abused in their childhood to carry extra weight as a form of protection.
Now as the Goddess of Self Love and Kindness health and fitness is a priority and I’m inspired to love my body as my temple more and more every day.
This is an ongoing sexual healing journey I am on and am very passionate about sharing my story, what I’m learning and how healing is possible. Cultivating a healthy sexual relationship with my divine life partner matters to me so I
welcome your comments, your stories, your perspectives and all that you are inspired to share in whatever ways make you feel safe to do so.
BREAKING THROUGH SABOTAGING PATTERNS: RESOURCES FOR SEXUAL HEALING
1. Radiance Magazine (Article In Pictures Below)
“The biggest trap when it comes to power is sex…But power over men is not the solution it perpetuates the toxic dynamics of patriarchy.”~ Scilla Elworthy
2. “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill which correlates the power of sexual energy with wealth and high influence. (Excerpts from pictures below)
Feel free to share your comments below on the positive transformational tools that have been inspiring and empowering you in your healing journey and the lessons you’ve been learning along the way.
Blessings and Miracles,
~ Suzie Sandoval, Holistic Healer